Whereas, the Book of Order affirms that truth is in order to goodness;
Whereas, in practice, truth is getting more difficult to get hold of;
Whereas, in sexual practice, laying hold of truth is becoming as interesting to Presbyterians as it is difficult to lay hold of;
Whereas, numerous testimonies at recent hearings before the GA committee on Ordination and Human Sexuality recorded the frequency with which alleged homosexuals have begun to practice heterosexually, and v.v., such that living one’s life as a demonstration of the gospel is evidently a display subject to change without notice;
Whereas, the determination of "sexual truth" has become essential to the central tenets of Presbyterian faith and doctrine, such that no self-affirming, practicing homo sapiens ought any longer to rely merely on a person’s word in these matters which have consumed the energies of this church for some decades;
Whereas, the Presbyterian Church must under no circumstances be served by individuals whose practice in matters sexual is not clearly registered before authorized ecclesiastical courts; and
Whereas, science shows that there exists a high correlation between unBiblical sexual morality and unwillingness to submit to loyalty oaths affirming the historical actuality of the virgin birth, such that the church may most efficiently maintain decency and good order by henceforth barring all doubters from the table; therefore, be it
Resolved, that the 208th General Assembly waste no time and spare no expense to establish a new executive unit, the General Assembly Sexual Police (hereinafter GASP), to ensure for a piece the purity and immunity of the church;
That the Book of Order be amended to require GASP officers to be conspicuously present at all ordination examinations;
That no formal limits be placed on the (micro)scope of GASP examinations;
That at least annually, GASP shall subject all ordained persons to a thorough and probing re-examination, with special attention to establishing the truth (in order to goodness) underlying every allegation of sexual practice in which the ordinand shall have been thought to have been engaged, to ascertain its Biblicalness;
That in furtherance of these objectives, GASP receive funding adequate to enable its officers to wait near all Presbyterian garages, bushes, and closets to see what goes in and who comes out; and
That in the interest of humane execution of justice, GASP train its officers in the science and art of stone-throwing, assuring that all GASP officers become capable of inflicting swiftly lethal wounds when enforcing the proud and certain standards of Biblical sexual morality.