We met at a little bar in Walnut Creek, a suburban town just 30 minutes from San Francisco. It's disco six nights a week, but Tuesday night they roll back the rug and the cowboys and cowgirls come in. Or at least we pretend pretty well. It was not love at first sight, but I couldn't resist those big warm brown eyes, terrific smile, and a glow in his face that said, "I know who I am." We were both still learning the Two Step, so that first dance was not pretty, but now we dance a lot and even teach.
I found out he was Presbyterian and asked him to come to church with me. I was only out to a few folks in the congregation, so I introduced him as a friend I met dancing. I had been taking lessons at a straight place, so it sounded O.K. I sing in the choir, so Dave was a choir widow in the pews. People got to know him, and in two months he was the Liturgist on Sunday morning. And we were still just friends.
The courtship went slowly, but I think that added a lot of depth. We didn't say the three big words until Christmas Eve, three months into the relationship, and then it almost caused our first problem. We were both excited about Christmas, especially that night because Dave was again the Liturgist, and the choir was singing some special music. After dinner and before church the adrenalin was pumping, and I told him I loved him. He was happy to hear it but disappointed because he had planned to tell me the same thing after the service!
I had been trying to decide how to tell the congregation about me, and now us, when the pastor told me about a workshop called "Witness for Reconciliation" with two lesbians who had been denied calls. Dave and I went to Montclair Presbyterian in Oakland that Saturday in November and met Lisa Larges and Janie Spahr, and our lives were inflamed. We became part of the Traveling Road Show, started the Dialogue at our church, and have spoken as a couple in a large church trying to decide whether to become More Light. We came out together at the first Dialogue meeting at our church, and the majority has accepted us, especially the pastor who has supported us all the way. We're moving slowly in that process also, but example seems to make a big difference. We went to the More Light Conference in Minneapolis, and had to drink extra water to replace what was lost in tears. We held hands in church, embraced during the great music, and bathed in the love and warmth of the people there. We would settle for holding hands in our home church, but they're not ready for that yet.
About a month after Christmas, Dave got even for Christmas Eve. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I had been thinking about saying it, but I knew better this time. We immediately started thinking about the future and planning the ceremony. We've looked at rings and especially like the clerk's responses when we say the rings are for us. We both want a church service, preferably Presbyterian, in order to accept the blessings of our friends and God in an open forum. Before June of this year we had planned for our Pastor to officiate, but we were shocked, disappointed and just damn mad then G.A. said Presbyterian pastors were no longer "permitted" to conduct Holy Unions. Dave and I don't understand. On the one hand we Lavender People are accused of promiscuity and inability to maintain long term relationships, yet on the other hand our accusers do not allow us the vehicle to prove commitment. It just doesn't make sense. We are still planning the Union for sometime after June '95. Maybe the Presbyteries won't approve the ban. We intend to speak at our Presbytery, perhaps even hold hands, whatever it takes to show what love means. Wish us luck, even pray for us, and maybe you'll see an invitation in the *Update* next Spring!
The Holy Union Ceremony was just wonderful. About 100 guests attended, including folks from our own small church, WFR cast members, many friends from both our work places, other friends, and immediate families. My Mom and Dave's parents, my two children (19 and 22 years old), my brother and his partner(!), two of Dave's three brothers, sister, and sister-in-law, were right there on the front rows of the church.
Our church organist and a flutist from the WFR cast played some great introductory music, and Dave and I entered during the singing of "We Gather Together," the words of which were meaningful in so many ways that day. The hymn talks about asking the Lord's blessing, ordaining and maintaining His Kingdom, and ends with, "Oh, Lord make us free." Howard Warren would have been proud!
Linda Regan made it a wonderful and spiritual experience. It was her first same-sex ceremony to conduct, and she never hesitated as we planned it, but she said a little caution crept in that afternoon as she drove to the church. But as she walked up to the doors of the church, she knew this ceremony was part of her intended ministry. Here is her Blessing for us, and you can see why we were Truly Blessed:
"Eternal God, without your grace, no human promise or commitment is sure. And yet we depend on your divine promises, on your covenant with your people, which frees us to live together in the security of your powerful love.Many of our friends didn't know what to expect that day, but after the service and that Blessing, they went away with a new appreciation of us and what we stand for. They were already accepting of us as a couple, but this ceremony was a new part of the process of getting to know us. I think they were surprised that it was so conventional. Dave and I looked great in our pearl gray tuxes with raspberry ties and cummerbunds. Wildly understated!"We ask today that you bless Tom and Dave, as together they start on a new phase of life. We pray that your Holy Spirit will dwell with them, surrounding them with care, giving support, leading them to your wisdom for their life decisions.
"Let their lives be a blessing, a sign of Christ's love in this broken world, so that unity may overcome estrangement, forgiveness heal guilt, and joy conquer despair. May their love strengthen them, so that they are enabled to reach out in concern to others.
"Let Tom and Dave be to each other strength in times of need, counsel in times of confusion, comfort in times of pain, and companion in times of joy.
"And grant, O Lord, that the bonds by which all your children are united to one another may be so transformed by your Spirit that your peace and justice may fill the earth, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."
The ceremony went smoothly, and the congregation really sounded enthusiastic in parts where they participated. The program included a song entitled "The Servant's Song," which we all sang. The first words are, "Brother let me be your servant. Let me be as Christ to you." It was truly a commitment song for us and a recommitment opportunity for our friends in love, whomever they love. Dave and I said our vows toward the end and then exchanged rings. We had agreed to say something private to each other as we slipped the rings on, but I forgot and said my piece out loud. He got even when he whispered in my ear, "I love you, and my shorts are riding up!" What a guy. But when Linda pronounced the Blessing, I felt my whole life start over with a tremendous feeling of joy, acceptance and anticipation.
The reception and dinner were also joyous events. The caterer's cook got lost, so the meal was an hour late, but we just poured more wine, and got to visit longer. We had a live Dixieland jazz band, and Dave and I danced the first dance, which, for most of the audience was a first to see. But they got through it, and the rest of the evening was really energetic. I think a few fence-sitters changed their minds that night. To see two people in love, unashamed and joyful, offset any reservations in a lot of minds.
A note about the ceremony was included in our church's monthly newsletter. Many folks congratulated us, and no one admitted displeasure. A couple of weeks ago at Presbytery, I rose to speak in favor of a proposed overture that would allow local churches and Presbyteries to ordain homosexuals. During those two allotted minutes I came out to over 250 delegates and guests and told them I was in a life-long committed relationship with my partner Dave and that I loved him very much. At that moment I felt a joy similar to what I felt at the Holy Union Ceremony. It's OK to be a Presbyterian gay man, and it's a tremendous feeling to tell people about it, especially if you're sharing your life and your faith with a very special person. Regardless of how the church and society vote, we know our love is Blessed by God and our families and friends, and that we will love each other forever.